Individual Self Expression - How I leave my mark.

Its a mistake. It has to be. Why am I even here? This place is NOT for me. Definitely not. I'm like a duck in unwanted territory. And the butchers are after my blood. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say is incorrect. But thank god I'm more politically correct than them. Or so I like to think. But how do you actually measure a person's self-worth? By how much they know? Or how much they are able to manipulate into minds? Or possibly how much they do? Its a masquerade, and I've stupidly forgotten to bring my mask. I am fooled by all. who to trust? Who to talk to? Who can I speak to? Apparently, not many. So I retreat into myself.

Up there is one of the few things I will and may say when I am occasionally smacked with a bout of 'screw the world' attitudes. It happens when I realise that something around me has just reared its ugly head, or when I get really fed up with the way things are done. Which is quite often, but I just go on my merry way. I speak like that when I realise something ain't right, but I am just in no place to change it. And also when I've set my mind on changing something, but someone else seems to stand in my way, or somehow picked a nerve to pull with. I loathe it when self-expression and individuality is scorned upon. I loathe it when narrow-mindness hampers development.

And that's why I try so hard to make myself different. At least in a way that no one will ever have to fight with me over. My choices and theirs are totally different. And my views and perspectives are not within the borders of theirs. It is how I set myself apart. I may not be the most responsible compared to the others, and neither am I the most reliable among the majority. But at least, I have my strength to believe that I will strive to remain different and unique(in a good way), carving my way from stereotypes and perspectives.

Why they cannot see that the world is much more than it is right now, is beyond me. I have learnt to stand before learning to walk, but there is no rule nor law that dictates us not to dream of running before learning to walk. Everyone is entitled their dreams, because it may be the only thing that remains their own. If even your hopes and dreams are made by someone else, then you may have nothing left to call your own. Even when there is someone out there that thinks they are superior to your being, be glad that your individuality stays intact. Don't let those idiots bring it down. Even if they are doing it unconciously.

Many people complain about changing something. Or complain about inequalities. But has ANY of them ever done anything about it? All they always say is, 'Let the others save us!' Why can't they just do something and save themselves? Waiting around for something to be done is not the way. We should take hold and take control of our lives. We should learn to stand up for our rights, stand up for our thoughts. That is what democracy is all about. The right to stand up and be heard without getting shot. But apparently, in school, democracy exists, but in such a small form. You will still be shot, apparently, for voicing your opinions. As such I have learnt the hard way.

For those few people reading this, I am not Golden Kid. Neither am I perfect. But far from that. Desperately trying to break free. And as such I am leaving, after school, I will not return to that place to study. I will release myself. Make each choice mine. But I hope that my efforts to change the mindset of those younger than me has paid off. Some may say that I am trying to create a legacy. In a way, it is. But I'm actually trying to steer those fools away from being so singlely block headed. Hopefully I've made my mark. I will return. To make sure that the mistakes of the past are not repeated.

It's time to bring back the glory years. But stronger and better than before.

'Individuality- The greatest pleasure in life is doing the things other people say you cannot do.'

Jeamme

OVERSEAS

OH GOD.... I cannot believe it.. I  feel so horrible.. lolz.. I left Mae Yune in school.. EEEpppp...I was suppoesd to go to my cousins house for dinner, and I forgot that my mom won't be fetching her home.. AHH!!! I didnt even realise it until my mom called me and almost screamed in my ear.. AHH!!!!!!!!! Feel like crap now.. sad... Awww.. Note to self: NEVER EVER LEAVE PEOPLE IN SCHOOL!!! *especially kids...*lolz....

The sooner I get my driver's license and go overseas for study the better... I cannot stand another day with my brother...Jeezzz.. I just can't stand his attitude. He doesn't seem to want to join any clubs, follow any rules or DO ANYTHING AT ALL!!! I know that I am very different from him, but heck, he's been poking at my nerves for as long as I can remember. And not to mention the fact that he cannot spend 1 LIVING SECOND without a) criticising me b) arguing with my mom at 12am, c) staring at his computer for 6 hours. I know, I know, 'It's a phase he and you will outgrow, don't worry.' Well, I think he will, but by that time, I will be 20! I don't think I can wait so long just for him to grow up. Anyways, let's hope that I can do what I want, and he can do what he wants.

I am going for The Trinity College Summer School in December, and that brother of mine is following. Hopefully he won't try to ruin my trip for me, by acting as if I am the Spawn of the Devil and I am out to ruin him or something. Doink. Well, at least hmm.. I'm kinda afraid that with him around, somehow, my true self will be buried even deeper within. I;m his sister for goodness sake, and well, its not everyday you see your older uptight sister go insane. Is it?

Peace.

JM

I have finally decided to use Xanga, yay. Mae Yune would be SO GLAD.. *faints* Been pestering me to get Xanga or die since the very start of the year. Well, here I am. I kinda think that Friendster Blogs are too overrated. And there are just too many people there that exist only in my alternate Universe. I used to think that my alternate Universes existed in parallel to each other, that they will never intersect. What a lie. I still thought that they never met. But looking closer, they already have. And I was unaware to all of it. So self-absorbed in my own world. Let me explain a little bit about my existing Alternate Universes.

Universe 1: The serious person, never smiled alot to friends, uptight. What some people call a Biatch (well sorta, not really, but that was the only thing I could relate to). My job in school was a very uptight and serious one. NObody messed around and well, I kinda moulded myself into it.

Universe 2: The crazy, mad, bordering on insanity kid. I could laugh, go immediately insane and jump around like nobody's business. Although I only did that with a few friends, to me, they were where I trully belong.

Then, around the middle of the year, I thought, 'Hey, I shouldn't always be uptight in school, why not loosed up a bit?' And so I did. I went a little crazy in class, and the works, but yet that, to me, was an act, and the true me in school was still that stuck-up snob. But that was when my two worlds interacted. The snobbish me slowly seeped into my second Universe. I gave a know-it-all attitude to my brother, and became not quite an insane to my friends as before. That wasn't a good thing. Not at all. I had sworn to keep the worlds apart.

I think many would be wondering how someone soo insane outside could write something so serious. Actually, what I write and let people see is the serious me, the one that takes ideas and creativity from the mad me. I felt boring becuase when I feel like talking about something insane, I somehow can't think about anything insane to say. Maybe I was growing out of a phase, or something.

One clear fact was that I felt that I didn' really belong in my school. To set it straight, I study in a Chinese Vernacular School. Which means most of the people there speak Mandarin, and are very good at it. And me? I was the ONLY one in the class that always flunked mandarin. I didn't like the subject, no matter how important it was to the world. I detested the subject, ever since I was 7. Or maybe it was before that. You see, there are many kinds of people in the school, and they aren't classified into jocks, geeks, and the likes. We don't really have a clique system, (note: not really) and everybody could almost relate to everybody else. But although I knew I had quite a number of friends and people I coulld gabble with, I didn't feel right. It didn't feel normal. For years, I always thought that it was an act, and that it would never last. I liked English songs, books. They could not understand why I didn't like Mandarin. English Ed people in my school, although alike in almost everyway, were, in another way, looked at differently. They aren't persecuted or anything, its just that not much attention is paid to English. When people see someone who speaks English, they look at them funny and think that those people are just showing off.

So this year, I started to consider my options on tranferring. To international schools. But at that time, we weren't allowed to, because the governemnt forbid it. I tried about 3 schools, overseas. But the fees were all too expensive and my parents did not want to pay so much for my secondary education. But then,... my big break came when the government announced that we could apply to international schools. I was literally jumping with joy. So I applied to my local international school. But there was a snag. I'm 16 (shocker) and I am supposed to be sitting for my IGCSE. But, the students at the school have already covered most of the topics and there was no possibility of me joining them now. Hoeps, Shattered. My friend got accepted, she was one of the insane ones.

When I told my school friends about my thoughts of transferring, you would have thought they brought me to a firing range. Nobody in my school liked the idea. Not at all. Partly because I had this thing in school, and my first and foremost priority and loyalty lied with it. For years, I did that too. But even then, I felt that I deserved something better, something more interesting. Not that it wasn't interesting, but rather, the school wasn't interesting. When they heard I might be transferring, people thought that my loyalties did not lie with the Board and school anymore. I had to convince everybody else that sometimes, we just have to do something for our future.

So now, my worlds have intersected. I just realised that. I am going to go all out. I jumped, but there was a fence. I tried to walk around the fence, but there were gaurds. So now, I'm kinda lost, and people at school aren't much help. Now, half my family and close friends are already in international schools, or planning to go there. We felt much more normal there, not belonging in our old schools. I knew that if I transferred, I would be left with nothing. And there would be time for me to start anew.

Then some people ask me,'Why ON EARTH do you want to transfer? You have one of the best senarios of high school! Why throw everything you had?' I was always dumbfounded as to how to answer the question without insulting people. One of my reasons was that I wanted something more, more than what I had now. I ABSOLUTELY hated my school systems and subjects with a passion. To me, those subjects were of no use what so ever. It was absolutely pointless. I was fascniated with other things that were not casually accepted in my school. *No, it isn't drugs or something illegal* I COULD do those stuff in my spare time, like many do, my I wanted to do something, not as a hobby, but as my study.

All this might point that I'm a self-obsessed, selfish person, but hey, Life's too short. Sometimes, you just gotta take chances for yourself. It's your life, your future, not others. Like I said, I am going to jump ship.

Peace,

JM

Gawd

What's so interesting about blogging???? I am giving it a shot. Hmm.......

Mid term is ongoing, and i havent done any preparations. Die......

Live.

Jm